Weirdness
by sunnydisposish
Summary: What happens when you're pining for new episodes, and the only one you have on tape is...Enigma? Stargate Fan Awards Best Humorous Gen nominee 2002, Best Quirky Slash nominee 2003. Yes, both gen and slash. No, nothing happens. It's all in the insinuation.
1. Teaser

First posted online February 7, 2000. Will get more chapters up as I finish formatting them. The original formatting's a lot cleaner and more complex, but...oh well. FFnet has limits on html.   


-

"WEIRDNESS"xxxxxxxxx   
"THINGY"xxxxxxx   
"ENIGMA" 

FIRST DRAFT   
xx/xx/19xx 

TEASER

EXT. TOLLAN-AREA SURROUNDING STARGATE 

A silent, lifeless world in shades of deathly grey. What weak light manages to filter from above barely illuminates the surroundings. SG1 HURRIES through the Stargate, stopping quickly and peering at the white flakes drifting lazily down around them. 

DANIEL   
Hey! All this stuff in the air.   
(deep voice)   
That's right. New York. It's nineteen-fifty-eight. Anyway, for a few more minutes, it is. Come midnight, it's gonna be nineteen-fif- 

JACK   
All right, Daniel, just get us out of here. No quoting. 

Daniel promptly wanders off. He STUMBLES across something on the ground, although, in a daring break from tradition, not literally this time. 

DANIEL   
It's a woman! She's alive. There's more! Hurry, you guys! Offer valid only while quantities last! 

The team FANS out quickly, SIFTING through the ash in a desperate search for survivors. 

JACK   
Yo! Bit the big one over here! 

SAM   
This one's kicked the bucket! 

TEAL'C   
Purchased the agricultural land holding! 

Daniel touches the devices on one ash-coated sleeve. 

DANIEL   
What are these things? 

DEVICE   
PLEASE DO NOT PRESS THIS BUTTON AGAIN. 

JACK   
Carter? How long before we're toast? 

SAM   
I'm an astrophysicist dammit, not a volcanologist! Could be days, could be minutes, could be microseconds, could be nanoseconds...great, now I'm...stuck in someone's...slow...motion...vision... 

JACK   
Okay, sheesh, just asking. 

Sam REACTS as OMOC GRABS her arm. 

OMOC   
(weakly)   
Do not...buy Betamax... 

Sam, wide-eyed, can only gasp in shock. 

END TEASER

FADE TO: 

OPENING CREDITS 


	2. Act One

ACT ONE

INT. SG COMMAND-EMBARKATION ROOM 

Bustling activity as SG1 completes their return and MEDICAL PERSONNEL wheel the TOLLANS away for treatment. HAMMOND approaches the team. 

HAMMOND   
What happened? 

JACK   
We encountered some...very severe SFX, sir. 

SAM   
These people were all dead and dying around the 'Gate. The air was highly toxic. 

Daniel has his glasses off, hair in his eyes, is dabbing at the soot beneath his lashes and appears most endearingly rumpled. 

DANIEL   
And hot. 

JACK   
(surreptitiously glancing at him)   
And how. 

HAMMOND   
What was that, Colonel? 

JACK   
Er. Nothing. 

HAMMOND   
You'd better have Dr. Fraiser take a look at you. We'll debrief when you're ready. Enjoy your last few free moments out of the briefing room-I have a feeling we'll be spending most of this mission in there. 

INT. SG COMMAND-BRIEFING ROOM 

HAMMOND   
Dr. Fraiser says they're all human. What do we know about these devices they were wearing? 

SAM   
Doohickeys...low-level radiation...gizmos...no circuitry or chips...We've never seen anything like it. Thingy. 

DANIEL   
I thought at first that they were from a parallel culture, but it looks like they might be way ahead of us. And even though we've met other off-world humans whose level of technology was different from ours, we're still all gonna act surprised by the very idea anyway. 

MARINE enters. 

MARINE   
General Hammond? The spokesman would like to speak with all of you. 

INT. SG COMMAND-INFIRMARY 

The room is filled with Tollans on beds, medical personnel hovering around. 

OMOC   
I find it unbelievable that anyone so primitive could have deciphered the 'Gate system. 

At the word "primitive," Jack NARROWS his eyes dangerously. 

JACK   
What you talkin' 'bout, Willis? 

TEAL'C   
(to Omoc)   
I, too, am from a world very different from this one. I do not comprehend his jokes, either. 

OMOC   
I have said enough. I will say no more. 

Sam LOCKS gazes with NARIM as she exits with the rest. Narim, deeply moved, slowly pulls the mask from his face. 

NARIM   
Whew...what did they put in this oxygen tank anyway? 

INT. SG COMMAND-EMBARKATION ROOM 

Sam is making painstaking adjustments to a miniature plane. Daniel enters, coffee mug firmly in hand. 

DANIEL   
New hobby? 

SAM   
Neat, huh? Miniature UAV, heat sensors, all the bells and whistles. 

TECH   
Captain Carter...I'm afraid we'll have to commandeer your model plane for the Tollan crisis. 

SAM   
What! I spent months assembling this model! 

TECH   
General's orders. Sorry. 

SAM   
Well, I'm gonna find him and see what he says about that! 

She exits in a HUFF. 

DANIEL   
Uh, Sam, wait! I came in here to ask...do you know who put hobby glue all over my mug handle? You got something to take it off with? Sam...? 

INT. SG COMMAND-CORRIDOR OUTSIDE INFIRMARY 

SAM   
...and General, this model-it's a limited edition, sir! Deluxe kit! I had to- 

HAMMOND   
You remember Narim? 

Narim courteously rises from his seat. 

SAM   
-special order it, and-oh. 

HAMMOND   
I thought maybe you'd like to escort him up to the surface to have a look at the planet. 

SAM   
Really...? 

NARIM   
I would be very pleased to have that opportunity. 

SAM   
Great! Let's go! 

HAMMOND   
Captain...about that plane... 

SAM   
Sure, whatever. So, Narim, gosh, you sure cleaned up nice, if you don't mind my saying so... 

EXT. SG COMMAND-JUST OUTSIDE THE BUNKER 

An eagle SOARS majestically overhead, wheeling on the currents of the wind. 

NARIM   
(transfixed)   
A flying animal. 

SAM   
Yeah. We call it "stock footage." 

NARIM   
Are there other animals? 

SAM   
Oh, yeah, millions of reels. 

NARIM   
There have been none on Tollan for...generations. Our Film Preservation Society just isn't very well organized, I'm afraid. 

SAM   
Oh, I could bring you pictures, if you like. 

NARIM   
I would like that very much. But I think it would be best if Omoc didn't know. 

SAM   
Why? 

NARIM   
He is an advocate of...colorization. 

INT. SG COMMAND-EMBARKATION ROOM/OBSERVATION ROOM 

The usual suspects are gathered. 

TECH   
...four...three...two...one. 

The plane LAUNCHES itself smoothly though the 'Gate. 

JACK   
Yeah. Neat effect. 

They crowd around the monitor, which displays a dizzying aerial view of a landscape in volcanic turmoil. 

TEAL'C   
Ah. The Discovery Channel. I did not think we received that here. 

HAMMOND   
Just had the dish installed out back over the weekend. 

JACK   
(suddenly alert)   
ESPN, yeah? 

HAMMOND   
One and Two. 

DANIEL   
Um, guys...I still can't let go of my coffee mug... 

END OF ACT ONE   



	3. Act Two A

ACT TWO

INT. SG COMMAND-INFIRMARY

SAM   
...so, anyway...in the time it took us to drag you away from Tollan, even though you asked us not to, and detain you here, even though you asked us not to, your 'Gate's been sealed under tons of volcanic debris and you're cut off from your world forever. Our official position on this is, "Oops." And the General owes me a plane.

OMOC   
You said you had good news and bad news.

DANIEL   
Oh. Uh...the bad news is, that bowl of fruit in the middle of the buffet table was just a centerpiece. It's actually all plastic. You might want to pass that along to your people.

INT. SG COMMAND-BRIEFING ROOM

JACK   
Maybe we should try calling in some markers. I know some worlds that owe me big from that intragalactic game of Fizzbin last week.

DANIEL

Fizzbin? Isn't that where you just made up the rul-

JACK   
Shut up, kid.

HAMMOND   
Okay. Colonel, you follow up on that. Pay a...visit to some of our old friends and take a big guy like Teal'c with you, if you know what I mean.

Daniel frowns to himself but keeps his mouth shut.

HAMMOND   
(continued)   
Captain Carter, I want you and Dr. Jackson to get the multi-purpose room on 5-C ready as a refugee housing center. Take down the door decorations, clear the dealers' tables, relocate the art show-you know the drill.

INT. SG COMMAND-5-C.

The room has been partitioned into cubicles, offering a modicum of privacy. One idiot's alarm clock will still wake everybody else up, unfortunately.

HAMMOND   
As an act of good faith, we're returning the devices you were wearing.

OMOC   
The whatyercallits? They are not weapons.

DANIEL   
Well, actually, we couldn't figure out exactly what they were.

HAMMOND   
(under his breath)   
...so we're even more suspicious and primitive than you already thought we were. Good going, boy.   
(louder)   
But I want you to understand, you're restricted to the immediate premises.

OMOC   
Are we prisoners?

DANIEL   
N-no! Yes! Pass!

INT. SG COMMAND-5-C, NARIM'S CUBICLE

SAM   
Hey-how're you doing?

NARIM   
Um...it may sound ridiculous, but I have no idea how this bed works, could you show me, nudge nudge wink wink?

SAM   
Oh, that's just a pillowcase; I'll show you later. You might like to take a look at this first.

NARIM   
Oh. Er, sure.

SAM opens the cat carrier to let out SCHROEDINGER.

NARIM   
I never thought I'd see a living animal. So it's not all just stock footage, then?

SAM   
(shrugging)   
Cats are cheaper, I guess. His name's Schroedinger. You know, Heisenburg, Bohr, Charm and Strange?

NARIM   
Ahh. Molest me not with this pocket calculator stuff.

Omoc enters, annoyed because he has no lines in this scene.

SAM   
Cheese it, the old man! Later.   
(exits)

NARIM   
I did not tell her anything.   
(beat)   
Hey! There is a profusion of orange hair all over this mattress.


End file.
